I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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