I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
