Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
