whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
