If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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