I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
