3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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