I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
