hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
