we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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