I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
