for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
