ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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