he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
