i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Vodka?
Forever.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
