I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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