is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
