I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
