He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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