Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
