Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
