I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
