can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
