When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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