Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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