cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
These tits shall not be calmed
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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