i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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