Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
