Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Every concussion has its silver lining
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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