I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
