we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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