If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the condom got lost in my hair
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
