Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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