my phone needs a breathalizer
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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