I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
