Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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