hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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