just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
