Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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