she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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