Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
