FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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