if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
