never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
