the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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