Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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