i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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