I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
