His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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