She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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