I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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